Why the Patriots Didn’t Win the Super Bowl

10. Wes Welker’s mustache got in the way when he tried to catch the ball.

 

9. Brady had Madonna’s Vogue stuck in his head for the entire second half

8. Brady was trying to stick it to Peyton – Your little brother, who has lived in your shadow his whole life, now has 2 Super Bowl rings. How many do you have?

7. Brady didn’t want to have to go to Disney World after the season ended. He prefers to vacation in classier places like Rio and the Mayan Riviera.

 

6. Gronkowski’s ankle sprain wasn’t going to make as dramatic a story as Curt Schilling’s bloody sock during the World Series.

 

5. The Patriots were too motivated by the Dodge halftime commercial – they were all focused on saving our nation, not winning a football game.

 

4. Gisele – always blame Gisele

3. Hernandez spent too much time rehearsing his touchdown dance (which was pretty awesome) and not enough time studying the play book.

 

2. Tebow – the Patriots used up all of their good plays in order to shut this kid up. You’re welcome world.

1. We didn’t bring our A game. Plain and simple. No excuses.

 

Super Bowl Party for Two

(via)

So the Super Bowl is next weekend. I am thrilled because my beloved Patriots are playing. However, everyone else in this stupid city seems to be rooting for the Giants. Going to a bar or restaurant to watch the game is totally out of the question for three reasons:

1. They are going to be WAY too crowded
2. If the Patriots lose I will have to deal with the obnoxious Giants fans pouring salt in my wounds
3. If the Patriots win I will probably be shot on the way home

So, I decided that we should host a Super Bowl party at our house. We have a pretty big tv and amazing new speakers that my parents go us for Christmas. And clearly, after last year’s event, we all know I would make an incredible spread that rivals anything a bar could product. the only problem is, we have a lot of friends who are Giants fans (I know… I can’t believe it either…). I decided that Iw ould be the bigger person and include them in our festivities – and I didn’t even make fun of the Giants too badly in my email invitation:

Matt and I are trying to get a sense if people would be interested in coming to our apartment for a super bowl party. Clearly, our home is a Patriots cheer zone; but I guess we would welcome Giants fans too. Just don’t wear a Manning shirt; he sucks.

Let us know if you already have plans, would prefer a bar, or are psyched about the idea of coming over, eating buffalo chicken dip and have a massive Tom Brady love fest. And you can guarantee that there will be a sweet “Focus on the Little Things” blog post about the party that you may be featured in (I know, it is every one’s dream to make the blog).

Will follow up with details if people want to do it. And we won’t be offended if you would rather watch it elsewhere, so just let us know!

GO PATS!

The Englehauers

Here is a sampling of the responses I got back:

1. i can only imagine how delicious all the treats would be at your apartment but unfortunately i am a die-hard giants fan
and since i love the two of you very much, i don’t want to end our friendship with me punching someone in the face. i think i have to decline

2. Thanks for the invite, but we’re going to a friend’s party, viewing site of the last dramatic victory by the glorious New York Giants over the insufferable, cheating Patriots.

3. I don’t think I would ever be allowed back into the my parent’s house if I went to a Patriots Super Bowl Party.

4a. The Pats are wicked terrible. Not sure I can step foot in an apt that supports a man that dances like this…real tough guy.

4b. He also is the spokesman for Stetson and Uggs. Go giants

Leave it to Giants fans to put their loyalty to a sub-par team over their friends. Serves me right for expecting a little decency from NY sports fans. So it looks like it will be just Matt and me at our house next Sunday, alone with a giant vat of buffalo chicken dip!

Keep it classy Pats fans.

**WARNING, this video contains vulgar language (that a Pat’s fan would never use)

Fueling the Giants? I hope not.

Hmm – I am assuming they don’t mean my blog…

 

The Patriots might find inspiration here, but definitely not a Manning brother. Eww, gross.

 

Sunday is a big day for the Pats – I guess it is a big day for the Giants too. I can’t decide if I want the Giants to win so that we have a chance of playing them in the Superbowl. I am not going to lie, I am having some flashbacks to February 3rd, 2008 that aren’t very pretty. But at the same time, nothing is sweeter than revenge. Especially if that revenge also involves a Manning annihilation.

David versus Goliath

Take You Pick by Rick Reilly (ESPN.com)

*Written before their first meet up earlier this year (Which the Patriots won 41-23)

Tom Brady/Tim Tebow

When Tom Brady takes on Tim Tebow in Denver, it will be a tale of two very different quarterbacks.

Tom is righty. Tim is lefty.

Tom is 34. Tim is 24.

Tom is second in passing yards among NFL starters this season. Tim is dead last.

Tom is third in completion percentage. Tim is dead last.

Tom has won five games in a row. Tim has won six.

Tom swears like a teamster who has stubbed his little toe. Tim says “Gosh!” and “Golly!” and calls reporters “Sir.”

But in the fourth quarter, Tom’s is 91.0 and Tim’s is 99.6.

Tom is a national sex symbol who’s had two children, one out-of-wedlock with a stunning actress and the other with his wife, a Brazilian supermodel. Tim is a national sexless symbol, a proud virgin.

Tom has won 77 percent of his games as a starter. Tim has won 73 percent.

Tom throws spirals that could slide into a mailbox from across a cul-de-sac. They nestle into receivers’ arms like babies returned to new mothers. Tim throws chevrons of mallards. He has more overthrows than the Arab Spring.

Tom has the seventh-best-selling Fathead poster in the NFL this week. Tim has the best-selling one. And the second-best-selling one. And the 10th-best-selling one.

Tom is the ultimate pocket quarterback. He’s as comfortable in it as Sarah Palin in mink. Tim treats the pocket as an electric chair. He bolts it like it’s on fire.

While Tom Brady relishes the pocket, Tim Tebow can’t wait to rush out of it.

Tom runs like he’s wearing ski boots. Tim runs like he’s wearing ACME jet packs. In his entire career, Tom has rushed for 697 yards. Tim could very well run for that many this season.

Tom has lost games this season scoring 31, 20 and 17 points. Tim has won games scoring 18, 17, 17, 16 and 13.

Tom is aided by the NFL’s leading receiver, Wes Welker, and a touchdown-gobbling tight end, Rob Gronkowski. Tim is helped by God, according to his pastor, Wayne Henson. “God favors Tim for all his hard work,” the pastor says.

Tom is in his 12th season. Tim is in his second. Tom finished his second season with a passer rating of 86.5. Tim’s passer rating is about the same, 83.9.

Tom was born in San Mateo, Calif., to an insurance consultant and has three siblings, all girls. Tim was born in Makati City, Philippines, to a Baptist missionary, and is the youngest of five.

Tom went to the prestigious Catholic high school Junipero Serra, where Barry Bonds and Lynn Swann went. Tim was homeschooled.

Tom was mostly unknown in college. He sat on the bench his first two years. Tim was one of the most famous college athletes in history, a cinch for the College Football Hall of Fame, winner of two national championships, claimer of one Heisman and finalist for two more.

Tom was a sixth-round draft pick. Tim was a first-rounder.

Tom did not start a game as a rookie. Tim did.

Tom has won three Super Bowls, two Super Bowl MVPs and two league MVPs. He owns the NFL regular-season records for TD passes, best TDs-to-interception ratio, consecutive home wins and consecutive playoff wins. Tim is a favorite of Skip Bayless.

Tom is Goliath. Tim is David. A 6-foot-3, 235-pound David who can bench 350 and flatten cornerbacks into peanut brittle.

Tom has 24 fourth-quarter comeback victories in his 11 years as a starter. Tim has six in, basically, one.

 Tom has no jokes going around about him. Tim has this one: Tebow asks for an audience with the Pope, who grants it. Tebow flies to Rome and the Pope gives him a tour of the Vatican, the Sistine Chapel, everything. But it’s Sunday morning and now the Pope needs to deliver Mass to the 50,000 people waiting in St. Peter’s Square below his window. “Come with me to the window and see for yourself,” the Pope says. The two of them go to the window. Down below, an Italian guy says to his buddy, “Hey, who’s the guy in the pointy hat next to Tebow?”

 

 Tom has made 17 Sports Illustrated covers. Tim has eight, one more than Drew Brees.

 Tom has 19 books for sale about him on Amazon.com. Tim has six.

 Tom is the namesake of the NFL’s Brady Rule, which prohibits hitting QBs below the knees. Tim is the namesake behind the NCAA’s Tebow Rule, regarding athletes wearing messages on their eye black.

 Tom is on a greeting card. Tim is on a Christmas card.

Tom has been named his team’s QB of the future. Tim has not.

 Tom is 1-5 versus Tim’s team. Tim has never played Tom’s team.

 Bradying is not an acknowledged English word, according to the Global Language Monitor. Tebowing is.

 Both men would chew through a cement embankment to win a football game.

 Who do you like?

 

 I think you all know my answer…

LET’S GO PATS!

Tell Me.

So apparently, there is a big football game this weekend. Well like many Patriots fans around the country, I am not very interested. I am ready for Spring. I am ready for the Red Sox. And I am ready for my boy Dustin.

56 more days till the season opener.