Too Old for Teen Choice Awards?

This weekend, while Matt was watching True Blood, I was holed up in our bedroom watching the Teen Choice Awards. Yes, at age 29 I am still watching the Teen Choice Awards. Here are a few of my take aways/impressions of the evening.

 

1. I had no idea who the host of the awards show was until they said her name (evidence that I am old).

I don’t really know who Demi Lovato is.. I think she was on a Disney show? But I wouldn’t be able to tell you which one without Googling her. All I really know about her is that she is staging a comeback after struggling with depression and body image. Apparently, this comeback involves the X factor, where she will join Britney Spears as a judge. Really? This girl is in the same league as Brit? I am shocked.

 

2. Normally, I am pretty good at predicting the winners. Since my taste in music, movies, tv shows and celebs runs along the same wave length as a 13 year old girl, this awards show is usually my sweet spot. Apparently, not this year. What’s worse, I didn’t even know who half of the winners were (more evidence that I am old).

Never heard of this movie – Choice Movie: Action, “Abduction”

Never heard of this  – Choice Movie Actress: Action, Zoe Saldana, “Colombiana”

No idea who these people are –  Choice TV Actor: Fantasy/Sci-Fi, Ian Somerhalder, “The Vampire Diaries”  and Choice TV Actress: Fantasy/Sci-Fi, Nina Dobrev, “The Vampire Diaries”

Do I really need to start watching more ABC family and the CW? I thought I already watched enough crappy tv.

 

3. Let’s talk about Miley Cyrus’ staying power? She was nominated for Choice Female Hottie (I am not even going to get into what a ridiculous category name that is) and was going up against some strong contenders Selena Gomez, Katy Perry, Rihanna and Kate Upton. Now I think that in a non-teen world Kate Upton would win hands down. However, I figured Selena Gomez was going to the be clear winner. So when they announced Miley’s name, I was shocked. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big Hannah Montana fan, but let’s face it, that was so 2010. I then figured that the fans had voted for Miley because they voted her super cute fiance, Liam Hemsworth as the Choice Male Hottie. Nope! It was that guy who I didn’t even recognize earlier – Ian Somerhalder. I’ve got to hand it to Ms. Cyrus… you are staying strong among the tweens and teens who raised you.

 

4. Why didn’t Bieber and Selena sit together? And why didn’t the Biebs wish her a happy birthday after his performance? Justin Timberlake SO totally would have lead the crowd in Happy Birthday if it was Brit’s birthday. Sorry guys, but this generations power teen couple is not living up to the expectations set by Justin and Brit.

     

 

5. Taylor Swift. You crushed it. Your dress was awesome. Your audience dancing was awesome. Unfortunately your dates wasn’t. Please tell me that was your brother. You need to stop turning your ex-boyfriends into pop country songs. No one wants to get famous that way.

 

6. Jonah Hill – stop taking yourself so seriously. You were pretty much the only person who had a polished acceptance speech and thanked anyone besides the fans. Yes, I like you and you are funny but I am 29. Gain those 40 lbs back and stick to being funny. That’s how you win over the tweens.

 

7. Nice job Rob Pattinson for creating mass pandemonium when you “gave” your surf board to a group of dozens of screaming fans. How do you think this ends? By then all making a deal to share the surf board equally among the group? No – it ends with a fight to the death over a crappy surf board. Man – didn’t you learn anything from Bieber’s adventures in Norway?

And way to think for yourself K. Stewart and do the exact same thing. You really are an incredible role model for young girls everywhere. Wait a second, maybe you two would be good to play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steel in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. You’ve got that dom/sub thing down already.

8. The show ended with a great performance by Carly Rae Jepsen. while her performance was cute, I want to know what Canadian styled her. I know you “just” burst on to the scene and are still getting used to being “famous” but come on – you can do better than that. I know you can.

   

 

9. The most famous actor at the show was Crystal the Monkey.

This little lady has a CV that blows George Clooney out of the water:

Year Title Character
1997 George of the Jungle Baby monkey
1998 Dr. Dolittle Drunk Monkey
1999 American Pie
2000 Terror Tract
2001 Dr. Dolittle 2 Drunk Monkey
American Pie 2
2004 Garfield: The Movie Pet monkey
2005 Fun with Dick and Jane Test monkey
2006 The Shaggy Dog Capuchin
Night at the Museum Dexter
2006 Failure to Launch Forest Monkey
2007 3:10 to Yuma
2009 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Dexter/Able
2010– Community Annie’s Boobs
2011 The Hangover Part II Drug Dealing Monkey
Zookeeper Donald the Monkey
2011 We Bought a Zoo Crystal the Capuchin
2012 Animal Practice Dr. Zaius

Who knew this was all the same monkey!

 

10. Sophie Grace and Rosie. Enough said. You stole the entire show.

Talent Show

In fourth grade, my school put on a talent show. Auditions were held within each of the classes and the students voted on the top two acts. These acts would then get to participate in the school-wide performance where  audience was made up of the entire 3rd and 4th grade, along with parents and family members. While my true talents ultimately developed in the swimming pool and on the field hockey field, in 4th grade, I still considered myself a pretty well-rounded child. I was a member of the chorus, which entailed participating in the grade-wide musical and was even given a solo my 4th grade year (although, my family still mocks my fast-paced singing of “wild geese that fly with the moon on my wings, these are a few of my favorite things; the main point to focus on here is that I was awarded a solo!). And in my fourth grade class’ performance of A Christmas Carol (wow, we were NOT a PC school at all!) I played the part of the Ghost of Christmas Past, a pretty solid role if I do remember correctly. Anyway, when I decided to audition for the fourth grade talent show, it wasn’t that surprising. However, it was a bit surprising what I decided to showcase as my talent.

At first, I told my mom that I wanted to try out two different acts. Now this was right around the time that my grandparents bought Abby and me a karaoke machine for Christmas. The system had two tape players so that you could play one tape to sing along to, and record your amazing vocals on another blank cassette. Needless to say, I went through a lot of blank tapes during this phase. The machine also came with a sample karaoke tape; it had one side with songs that contained the lyrics and another side that contained the same songs, only minus the lyrics. You could practice the words on the first side, and once you mastered those you could flip the tape over and become a star!

The songs that were on this tape were a bit “off the beaten path” especially for me, who was a child of Rosenshontz and Disney music for FAR too long. One of my favorite songs on the tape was “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About.” I had practiced this song countless times and thought it would be perfect for the talent show; it was far and away my best! While I knew the lyrics by heart, I had no idea what this song was about. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this song, please see below:

While this isn’t the worst song ever written (or even close to the worst song), for a fourth grade talent show, it wasn’t the best idea. Couple that with the fact that my singing abilities weren’t amazing, I am EXTREMELY thankful that my mom talked me out of that idea. I ended up doing a comedy skit (I know, that isn’t much better) from the Free to Be You and Me record. That’s right, I just said record. No, I am not that old, my parents were hippie-ish and just liked living in the past (please reference previous posts about growing up in a cable free household for more evidence of that.) The skit, and pretty much the entire record, broke the mold of traditional gender stereotypes. It was deep for fourth graders and I blame my classmates’ inability to grasp such complex and forward-thinking ideas as the reason why were weren’t voted through to the final performance. Either that, or the fact that I forgot half of my lines. Either way, my musical and theatrical career came to a screeching halt after that experience. Although I continued to lay down some pretty serious tracks on the karaoke machine in our basement.

Thankfully, some children didn’t have their dreams of stardom trounced as easily as I did. The Mickey Mouse Club skyrocketed kids like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera into world-wide stars.

Miley, Hil-Duff and the Jo-Bros have The Disney Channel to thank. And Fergie got her start on the 80’s classic show, Kids Incorporated where she stole the show for 5 years straight.

And now, children around the world have the wonders of YouTube and Ellen to thank. After conducting a search for the most talented children featured on YouTube, Ellen came across the likes of Greyson Chance, a 13-year-old boy from Edmond, Oklahoma. His performance of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi won him the attention of millions, but most importantly, of Ellen. She featured him live on her show earlier this year, with his unbelievable performance of that song:

Then two weeks later, it was announced that Greyson won the 10,000 dollar prize from the Ellen contest AND the backing of Ellen’s new record label, eleveneleven. Today Greyson released his first single Waiting Outside the Lines.

Man, must be nice to be a YouTube sensation. And talented.

Greyson’s story has inspired me to re-think my career as a performer. Let’s be honest, I missed my chance at the Olympics and I am never going to be a professional crafter (besides Martha, I don’t think there is much money is that field). I am going to devote the next chapter of my life to perfecting my rendition of “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About.” I will then buy a flip camera and record my “unknown” talents and post it to YouTube. I will then received 100,000 hits in a single day and be invited to LA where I will inevitably become a star.

How’s that for a life plan?